Funniest Harry Potter list, EVER!

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

1. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.

2. I am allowed a rat, cat, toad or owl. I am not allowed a python, snow leopard, tasmanian devil, or pirahna.

3. 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.Ls

4. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

5. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

6. I will not claim that my 'X-Files' tapes are "Auror Training Videos"

7. I am not authorized to negotiate peace treaties with Lord Voldemort.

8. I will not follow potions instructions backwards just to see what would happen.

9. I will not tell first-years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

10. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign papers as such.

11. It is not necessary for me to yell, "BAMF!" everytime I Apparate.

12. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

13. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the halls.

14. Asking, "How to you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

15. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot be interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

16. I will not say the phrase, "Dude, get a life." to Voldemort.

17. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

18. I will not yell, "Believe it.....or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.

19. I am not allowed to declare an official 'Hug A Slytherin Day."

20. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

21. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher is tastless and tacky; not a clever money-making concept.

22. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms"

23. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

24. I will not lock Slytherin's and Gryffindor's in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

25. I will not give Hagrid pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals.

26. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

27. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination Class does not count as extra credit.

28. I will not charm the the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights Of The Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.

29. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

30. I will not sing, "We're Off To See The Wizard." when sent to the headmasters house.

31. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell, "Ni!" from various directions.

32. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

33. When McGonagall asks me a question I will not answer in complete seriousness, "I think Albus is good looking too Professor."

34. I will not hold my wand in the air befor casting spells and shout, "I have the power!"

35. I will not start every potions class asking Professor Snape if today's project can be used as a sexual lubricant.

36. I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful."

37. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore."

38. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date for the Yule Ball.

39. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name." is not a challange.

40. I will not change the password to the prefect's bathroom to, "Makes getting clean as much fun as getting dirty."

41. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

42. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

43. I will not refer tot he Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, "Kenny", even if he is wearing an Orange parka.

44. I will not scare the Arithmancy class with my Calculus book.

45. I will not tell first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

46. I am not allowed to make lightsaber noises with my wand.

47. I will not try to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

48. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindor's Pixie Stix.

49. I am not allowed out of my dorm when Ministry officials are here.

50. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesized her death.

51. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

52. A wand is for magic only. It is not for picking my nose or banging on my desk, no matter how bored I become.

53. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

54. Professor Flitwicks first name is not Yoda.

55. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

56. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination Class.

57. I will not call Dumbledore Santa during the holidays.

58. I am not allowed to introduced Peeves to paintball guns.

59. I will not ask Harry if his Scar Senses are tingling.

60. I will not sing *bibbity bobbity boo* when McGonagall is trying to teach.

61. I will not put a *Kick Me* sign on Draco's back.

62. I will not ask Harry who died and made him the boss.

63. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogwarts I am not allowed to point at the Dark Mark and yel, "Off to the batmobile Robin!"

64. If asked in class what Avada Kedavra does, yelling, "It does DEATH!!!" may be correct but it's not the manner in which one should answer.

65. I will not make jokes about Lupin and his 'time of the month'

66. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhisky"

67. Using the Enrogio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, even for entertainment purposes.

68. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsum Blue into Professor Snape's personal mailbox.

69. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in potions class.

70. First-years should not be encouraged to befriends the Whomping Willow.

71. There is no, nor has there, ever been a fifth house and I am not the founder of it.

72. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is 'Headmaster' not 'My Liege'

73. I will not use Slyterin and Gryffindor first-years as Xmas decorations.

74. A time turner is not a 'Flux Capacitor' and I should therefore not install one in any muggle cars.

75. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my professor.

76. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

77. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains all about Bilbo Baggins.

78. I will not sing the Badger song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin matches.

79. "Draco Malfoy Takes It Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

80. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I will not use war cries to signal my entrance into class rooms.

81. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

82. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself to seriously.

83. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

84. It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" every time Professor Snape takes away points from Gryffindor.

85. I am not allowed to to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to, "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes."

86. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

87. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

88. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

89. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

90. I am not a sloth animagus.

91. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

92. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

93. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

94. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

95. I will not introduce the Jackass movies as inspirational ideas to Fred and George.

96. I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins 'Merry and Pippin'. I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron 'Frodo and Sam'. It probably isn't smart to call Draco 'Legolas', either

97. I will not perform Potter Puppet Pals in front of all of the Great Hall, no matter how enjoyable 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise' is.

98. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during the Arithmancy exams.

99. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

100. I will not convince Ron Weasley to follow the butterflies.

101. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are 'covered in bees'.

102. I will not add 'according to the prophecy' to the end of every sentence in Divintation class, just to raise my grade.

103. Providing Peeves with a case of Dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action and I will not do it again.

104. I will not sing 'Defying Gravity' during Quidditch practice.

105. I am not to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he would lose his head if it wasn't attached, that is just cruel.

106. The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartarses, and the Junior Death Eaters.

107. Yelling 'To infinity and BEYOND' was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

108. Telling Draco Malfoy to 'Make like a ferret and bounce' is always a bad idea.

109. I am not allowed to tell the first years that there is a fifth house called 'Sparkleypoo' an I am in it.

110. Putting fake spiders all around Ron Weasley's bed is not funny, especially not when he tries to jump out the window.

111. Spiking the school's supply of pumpkin juice is not funny, no matter how much fun we had that night.

112. Potter 7 Voldemort 0, is not an appropriate T-shirt slogan.

113. 'Accidentally' dropping Polyjuice potion with Luna Lovegood's hair in Snape's drink is a very unhealthy hobby

114. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

115. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it's the new Dark Mark.

116. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from 'Phantom of the Opera'

117. I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'

118. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.

119. I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall.

120. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.

121. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable, especially if the song is 'I feel pretty'

122. There is no house made of candy in the forbidden Forest and it's wrong to say so to first years.

123. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

124. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy place".

125. However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.

126. I will not tell Umbridge "Voldemort says, 'Hi,'" every time I see her.

127. A hug is not all Snape needs.

128. I must not spread rumours that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's bitch."

129. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

130. I am not to tell Professor Snape to "turn that frown upside down, and you get a beautiful smile".

131. I am not to refer to Draco Malfoy as "a little boy who just needs a hug".

132. I am not to tell Moaning Myrtle, or any of the other ghosts for that matter, to "Get a life".

133. I am not to start a "Who can blow up their cauldron first" contest in Potions class.

134. When the stairs change, it is unnecessary for me to sink to my knees, wailing in agony, and/or scream, "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"

135. I am not to use the Floo System to play a game of "Ultimate Tag".

136. I am not to ask Draco Malfoy if I may borrow his hair straightener.



Youtube clips of the day:

The Mysterious Ticking Noise from Potter Puppet Pals. This vid won a Youtube award for "most views" or something like that (can't remember exactly). Anyway, it's hilarious!




Wizard Swears, also from Potter Puppet Pals. Cauldron bum! Son of a banshee! Voldemort's nipple! Hagrid's buttcrack! Expecto Patronads! Floppy-wanded dementor boggerer! And of course, the incomparable Elder Swear...




Professor Snape bring Sexyback. I always laugh in the parts where Hagrid goes "yeah!":

Feeling lonely and unloved...

Well, the Broadway Bound summer dance camp starts tomorrow, and I'm hoping it will lift up my mood. Most of my summer was boring and this week was especially horrible. I'm not going to go into details, but I feel abandoned by most of my friends, and even by God.

And why was this week so horrible? Well, they got married yesterday. I almost cried at work a few times, and I still have marks in my hands from my fingernails digging into them (I was clenching my fists for most of the day). Nobody seems to understand how painful this situation has been for me. I was an emotional wreck all day today, and I feel that God has officially slammed the door in my face. Well, He's been leading me to doors and then slamming them in my face for quite some time now, and I'm beginning to think that maybe He enjoys taunting me. And even if some will try to tell me that He might be trying to lead me to another door, well so far He's locked me out of the palace and sent me to the poorhouse door. Finding another door is not worth it if I have to leave the palace and go to the poorhouse. God was too busy having fun at their wedding to even care that I was practically living out the mad scene from Giselle. I've had setbacks in my religious faith many times, but never a faith crisis till now. I guess it started last year with the robbery - I felt that maybe God protects his favorites and leaves the rest of us to fend for ourselves, and I just don't happen to be one of the favorites. Even over a year later, I still have some symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, yet some people seem to think it's fun to mention the robbery as if it were a joke. But now after more setbacks and slammed doors, I'm beginning to think that God enjoys slapping me just to see how much I'll cry.

I feel like Giselle from the ballet story - she went mad and died after finding out that the man she loved was betrothed to someone else. Or maybe the little mermaid from the original story - in the real story, the prince marries someone else and the mermaid dies. Or Professor Snape from Harry Potter - he never stopped loving Lily even after she married someone else, and after she died. And he died while trying to protect Lily's son Harry. I found hope last year when I met someone else in Seville, but that didn't last. Whenever I fall in love, I always fall short in some way. I might have to settle for a lonely single life, or a mediocre relationship with some dud. Maybe I'm just not worth anyone's heart.

I don't know when or if things will get better. The dance camp might lift up my mood, I hope. And after I move to Montreal this fall at least I'll have a fresh start. Right now I just need some caring, and prayers (though at this point I don't know if prayers will even help me). I just can't take it anymore...

Youtube clips of the day:

The mad scene from Giselle (Carla Fracci as Giselle and Erik Bruhn as Albrecht). It shows exactly how I feel. Even at 4:53 Giselle looks at Countess Bathilde as though saying "I thought you were my friend...":



But even in death, Giselle still loved him, and saved him from being danced to death by the wilis (ghosts of broken-hearted girls). Here Giselle (Svetlana Zakharova) expresses her love for Albrecht (Roberto Bolle). I've noticed she has a similar physique to mine (she's 5'9" with super-long legs) so it makes me think of myself as Giselle in this vid. As for Roberto Bolle - most beautiful man on planet Earth, world's most perfect legs, body of a Greek god... I could go on and on:



This song really describes my loneliness this summer: